December

I was not ready to return to work. A week away from it all was not enough to make me want to be here, where there is not a morning that goes by that I don’t consider calling in sick. It is time to find something else.

This feeling is compounded by the fact that it is December, once again. Bring on the Holidays, full of dread and depression. I’m a Grinch. I’m a Scrooge. I hear Christmas music and I want to smash something. I can’t explain why I get like this, though, because I used to love Christmas. So, in an attempt to explain it to myself, I’m going to explain it to you, friend readers.

Christmas. The word means many things to many people. To me, since I’m not a very active Church-goer, Christmas is about being with family, surrounded by love. It’s about treating your fellow man (and woman) with respect and compassion.

On the other hand, I suppose it’s primarily about realizing I’m alone. It’s about the year coming to an end, and realizing that I’ve not accomplished much. It’s also four days after my birthday, which compounds the feelings of solitude and lack of achievement.

I paint a picture much darker than it really is, though. My family loves me a great deal, and I could not ask for closer friends than those I have. So, with all this friendship and love around me, why do I feel alone? It always comes back to the damned idea that I need to be with someone, that drive for a mate and children.

Do I delude myself during the year, thinking that I’m a complete person without these things? Or do I delude myself during the Holiday Season, thinking that I can’t enjoy Christmas without them? I can’t answer that.

So this holiday, I need to change something. I can not tolerate the misery of work on top of the holiday depression. I guess I’ll make my New Year’s Resolutions early, and here they are, in no particular order.

1) Quit Smoking – I’m stronger than nicotine. The fact that work stress has gone through the roof is not an acceptable excuse to pick up another pack. And it’s really not worth getting back to the point of morning coughing fits.

2) Go out more – Sitting at home not only prevents me from meeting new people, it also reinforces the feeling of solitude to sit in a three-bedroom house by yourself.

3) Enjoy the love that I already have – If my friends want to celebrate my birthday this year, I’m not going to ask them not to. I will, however, reserve the right to be grumpy if they offer presents. I’m not a big gift-giver. I’m going to offer my help in playing Santa to my friends with children. (I’m sure they could use a hand putting presents together, and it will make me happy to help put a smile on a kid’s face.)

4) Lose 50 pounds – I lost 40 this year. I think I can do better. This will mean, of course, that I’ll have to start bringing my lunch to work instead of going to El Monterrey.

5) Meet at least one new person a week, and make at least one new friend a month. – This is my one Unreasonable Resolution. (We all make them, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.) I’m going to give this an honest effort. I won’t care if I fail, but I’m not going to give it up.

6) Sing at a karaoke bar at least once – I have a good voice. I like to sing. It’s time I get over the stage fright and sing to a bunch of drunken strangers. Besides, it might help me meet people.

7) Learn to dance – I have rhythm, and don’t mind shaking my ass to a breakbeat, but I want to learn how to dance in a proper fashion.

I think that’s more than enough to keep me busy. We’ll see how I do. Only now do I realize that I didn’t put anything in there about finding a woman and settling down. Maybe that means something…

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