Just to break up the routine of El Monterrey, I went to The Mall Friday for lunch. I figured I’d grab a book, check out EBGames, maybe buy a new pair of tennis shoes, and grab a Chic-fil-a meal to go. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the throng of idiots and morons that are everything I associate with The Mall.
First of all, most of these kids need to be in school. If it’s not a school day, then they should be playing outside. Yeah, this may make me a grumpy old man, but since it was forced on me when I was their age, I feel it’s my civic duty to bitch about it. Kids comprise 60% of the people at The Mall that I have a problem with. The other 40% is made up of old people.
Someone needs to take these Mallrats, young and old, aside and offer them a class in maintaining awareness of their surroundings. Being a good civil servant, here is a basic outline of what that class should entail:
1) If you are walking slower than every single person you see, then do NOT walk six abreast and block everyone behind you who is on a time-constraint.
2) If you see a store that you want to go in, then move to that side of the mall well in advance so that you don’t cut off traffic suddenly as you veer from the opposite lane with all of your firneds.
3) Pretend the two sides fo the hallway are an interstate. Everyone going the same direction as yourself should be on the right hand side. If someone needs to turn to enter a store acrossd the way, they should pull into the middle and await a proper gap to slip through. If you have blinkers, use them. Hand singals will suffice if not.
4) Do NOT, under any circumstances, stop suddenly if you are walking at a good pace. Odds are that the time-constraint people are using you as a plow and are right behind you. If the storefront looks nice, go in, rather than stop to admire it. Stopping will result in you getting knocked on your ass. You have been warned.
Of course, Mallrat morons are the same people that get out there on the highways, which can easily explain the status of our driving population. I hear out-of-state drivers complain about us quite a bit. I’m not well-traveled, so I can’t say for certain that this problem is or is not local to South Carolina. So if it’s just a South Carolina problem, consider everything I say about drivers to be directed only at this state.
The average driver is a moron. On a daily basis, I witness about 40% of drivers refuse to use turn signals, 25% that come to a complete stop so they can make a right turn into a parking lot, and 30% that can’t stay in their lane. And then there are the people who just can’t park…
In these times of oversized pickups, Hummers, and SUVs, it seems that parking spaces simply aren’t large enough to accomodate certain vehicles. It seems that way, until you realize that just as many compact cars park just as retarded. Parking isn’t some new technology. Why, then, are some of us unable to perform it correctly?
And God forbid it drizzle! People slow down to ten under the speed limit because someone spit out a passing car’s window and it’s been mistaken for a downpour.
But my biggest driving pet peeve is the person who zooms past you only to get in front of you and set their cruise control slower than yours. There are times when I am glad I’m not a violent person, because I will visualize running these guys off the road and setting theit car on fire while their struggling with their seat belt. I did mention I’m not violent, right?