We Wear Short Shorts…

Shaving has always been a pain in the ass for me. The first stroke is never enough to cut all the hair off and, even after three or four strokes, there is always stubble left. It doesn’t matter whether I use an electric razor or a safety razor or one of those new, space-age razors that have like six gazillion blades on them. There’s always stubble left. Shaving my head is even worse, because I can’t look in a mirror. I just use my fingers to feel where I need to drag the safety razor next.

So, in a grocery expedition, I was looking at refills for my razor, and saw a bottle of Nair sitting right next them. Nair… isn’t that some lotion that women apply to their nether regions to make the hair vanish? Hell, if they apply it to their nether regions, it HAS to be safe, right?

So today, in a fix of experimental bravery, I applied the lotion to my peachfuzz-covered scalp. For the first minute, there was nothing. Then a mild tingle. The bottle said to let it sit for 3 minutes. Around the two-minute mark, I was pretty sure my head had caught fire. Apparently Nair is not some magic cream that makes hair vanish. It’s a bottle of lotion that contains acid. That’s right. Acid. It’s designed to dissolve hair.

I have a very tiny scar from a chemical burn when I was younger. I remember how painful that was to this day. Now I know what it feels like to have that small burn cover my ENTIRE SCALP.

So, because I don’t know what else to do, I jump in the shower and douse myself. The water doesn’t make it burn anymore, really, it just reminds me that my head is burning. That’s a plus. However, now I had large patches of baldness, very red and inflamed baldness, amidst peach-fuzz. Completely unacceptable.

I looked at the can of shaving gel for two minutes. I knew that it would burn more. I knew it. Despite the cool, refreshing lather that it normally creates, it would burn worse. But the thought of a dry shave was equally daunting. So I used the gel. It burned.

Now I have a clean-shaven scalp with these very attractive red blotches all over it, and even a few blisters, which I’m praying don’t scar. It’s been an hour and my head is still burning. This is awesome.

On the bright side, Balls of Fury opens tomorrow.

13 thoughts on “We Wear Short Shorts…”

  1. I used nair once. Once!
    it did about the same thing… burned like hell but didn’t actually remove any hair. You should really consult your blog girlbase before trying such things.

    Ever considered electrolosis? I’d like to see you write about that.

  2. i am dying laughing.

    the best part? your label for this post.

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    omg, Stuckey, i really needed that laugh. thank you.

    you probably just have sensitive skin. i have to leave it on for like 7 minutes before i feel any tingling. people like you (and MJ, apparently…) are not designed for nair. there’s a reason most women stick with razors and shaving cream.

    for future reference: it’s chemistry 101– you have a base on your skin, and it’s burning. in order to neutralize it, you need an acid. 🙂

    what did i tell you when you almost killed yourself last time, Stuckey??? If you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, CALL A GIRL. We know about shit like this. We are very good at not doing stupid shit. Usually.

    You know what. on second thought, just stop experimenting completely. the next time you feel adventurous, just STOP.

  3. I had a bald friend who did this same thing years ago. It’s not a good idea. Dumbass. 🙂

    You could try using an old-fashioned straight razor. Very macho.

    I’m not really concerned all that much about a super-close shave. I think a little shadow looks good, although I have almost a full beard after two or three days, so it does get annoying.

    I think the whole new marketing thing of selling 10 cent razor blades for $400 dollars a pop has worked out well for the razor companies, although I think the Gilette Fusion works pretty damn good.

  4. Bless you heart!!! I can’t use nair because my hairs are too thick so I am in the process of getting laser hair removal on my arm pits and bikini area and it is great! I only have a few more treatments left and I will never shave those areas ever again! You should think about it! Hope your head gets better!

  5. lenfercestlesautres

    We know about shit like this. We are very good at not doing stupid shit. Usually.

    I would argue that we’re very good at not doing stupid shit… because we already tried.

  6. before you mentioned the nair i was thinking….. sugaring for your head…. dont think it would cause any harm if anything went wrong (unless you over heat it too much)

    and now to the nair – doesnt it say to test it on a small patch of skin first? regardless, whats done is done – now you know

  7. Cap – Wax is next on my to-try list. (Yes, I know it will hurt.)

    MJ – I’ve thought about electrolysis and laser removal, actually. A little too pricey for my budget until I win the lottery.

    VB – I do not stock anything chemistry-related in my house, so I was pretty short on acids and bases. I also didn’t have any litmus paper to test to see if milk was red or blue. The shower was the immediate remedy. (And they have emergency showers in chemistry labs for just such an occasion.) Also, women only know about shit like this because they’ve already tried it, which means they’ve just done the stupid shit already.

    PH – I own a straight-razor, and have used it twice. On my chin, it was very nice, but took a very long time. On my head, it was very bloody, because I can’t see what I’m doing on the back.

    j – I did test it on a little patch at first. I figured a minute of no-tingling was a sufficient waiting period. That test-area is the one that I’m actually worried will scar. (I’ll post a picture.)

  8. lenfercestlesautres

    Wax is next on my to-try list.

    You really want it to hurt, hm? Is this some kind of mtv-jackass-blog? 😉

    I have a better solution: just let the fucking hair grow.

  9. oh my god. nair is the devil… my mother always told me NEVER to use it. you should have asked some girls first before doing that- OUCH! I feel like it won’t scar though 🙂

Leave a Comment