Shaving has always been a pain in the ass for me. The first stroke is never enough to cut all the hair off and, even after three or four strokes, there is always stubble left. It doesn’t matter whether I use an electric razor or a safety razor or one of those new, space-age razors that have like six gazillion blades on them. There’s always stubble left. Shaving my head is even worse, because I can’t look in a mirror. I just use my fingers to feel where I need to drag the safety razor next.
So, in a grocery expedition, I was looking at refills for my razor, and saw a bottle of Nair sitting right next them. Nair… isn’t that some lotion that women apply to their nether regions to make the hair vanish? Hell, if they apply it to their nether regions, it HAS to be safe, right?
So today, in a fix of experimental bravery, I applied the lotion to my peachfuzz-covered scalp. For the first minute, there was nothing. Then a mild tingle. The bottle said to let it sit for 3 minutes. Around the two-minute mark, I was pretty sure my head had caught fire. Apparently Nair is not some magic cream that makes hair vanish. It’s a bottle of lotion that contains acid. That’s right. Acid. It’s designed to dissolve hair.
I have a very tiny scar from a chemical burn when I was younger. I remember how painful that was to this day. Now I know what it feels like to have that small burn cover my ENTIRE SCALP.
So, because I don’t know what else to do, I jump in the shower and douse myself. The water doesn’t make it burn anymore, really, it just reminds me that my head is burning. That’s a plus. However, now I had large patches of baldness, very red and inflamed baldness, amidst peach-fuzz. Completely unacceptable.
I looked at the can of shaving gel for two minutes. I knew that it would burn more. I knew it. Despite the cool, refreshing lather that it normally creates, it would burn worse. But the thought of a dry shave was equally daunting. So I used the gel. It burned.
Now I have a clean-shaven scalp with these very attractive red blotches all over it, and even a few blisters, which I’m praying don’t scar. It’s been an hour and my head is still burning. This is awesome.
On the bright side, Balls of Fury opens tomorrow.