I haven’t been completely honest with you. I’ve been withholding information which, when revealed, will explained why I’ve stopped blogging. I’ve just gone back and made a post from January public. It will give you the truth I’ve been keeping from you. If you don’t feel like clicking a link, I’ll sum it up for you. Strutter is an alcoholic. Another term I would use is “a mean drunk.” All caught up now? Good. Let me continue.
Last night, as she has six of the past fourteen nights, Strutter drank. (I actually mark the days on my calendar, but I couldn’t tell you why.) It started with a bottle of wine and, as usual, came to a point where she comes to me drunk, asking for me to drive her to get more booze. Driving her makes me an enabler, or more of an enabler than I already am, so I always resist this suggestion. “It’s nine o’clock. You’re already drunk. Why do need more? Just ride it out and go to sleep and wake up in time for work tomorrow.” In the past, if I refused to cooperate in this beer run, it would always get ugly. The aggressive behavior would surface. The insults would start coming. Sometimes it would get physical, such as her grabbing my glasses off my face. (Which is something that I respond to immediately, since I can’t see shit without them, and wouldn’t be very good at dodging an incoming blow if I couldn’t see it coming.) Last night, she grabbed the glasses off my face and accidentally broke them.
Over the past month, when she’s been drunk at least three nights a week, I’ve begun spending a lot of time wondering if I should break up with her. Before, my explanation was that the good times outweighed the bad. Today, though, it just feels like a string of bad times, one after the other. Even when I ignore her and do my own thing while she’s drunk, that’s not really a “good time.” And even if it were a good time, it’s still a good time that I’m having by myself… not with her.
So, when my glasses broke, leaving me with no back-up pair, I told a drunk Strutter that she had until the end of June to move out. It wasn’t the first time we’ve “broken up” whilst she was intoxicated, but it was the first time I believed it. As usual, she stormed off, angrier than before, and began to call her friends and sister to rant. Last night, she even jumped on MySpace and Facebook to update her status, which got the notice of some of my friends, as she only removed me and not them.
At the end of the night, as usual, she had calmed down and crawled into bed with me, all sweet and apologetic with some residual anger. (That might not make sense to anyone else, but it basically means she keeps apologizing, and works herself back into a small rage as she does it.) I couldn’t really talk back to her because I’d taken a an hour drive earlier, and screamed/cried myself hoarse.
This morning, she was more sincere in her apology and wants to talk about it. I told her that this problem is something that another apology and empty promise won’t fix. I’m not going to talk about it with her while I’m at work, so I told her we’d talk when we got home. I still love her, and I don’t want to break up with her, but I don’t know that it’s best for me to stay in this relationship. Her actions, not her words, will really be what decides how this plays out.
To my friends, I owe you all an enormous apology. For eighteen months, I’ve avoided hanging out with you because it meant, if I brought her along, she would end up drinking. And if I didn’t bring her along, she’d think I was up to something and use that as an excuse to drink. I didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth, and I’m sorry for any damage to our friendships that I’ve caused. I will work on correcting that, at any cost.