After writing yesterday, I still couldn’t get the question out of my head. Should I be trying even if she doesn’t want me to? Should I do all those little things I think about doing constantly? Texting her when I’m thinking about her (which is constantly, so that would probably not be great)? At least texting ‘good night’ every night…
Last night I dreamt that we didn’t speak for the entire year, only meeting in person to sign the final divorce paperwork. In the dream, I signed my name, said goodbye, and walked into the parking lot and shot myself. I wouldn’t do anything so dramatic as that, I know, but it really made me think about it.
What if we don’t speak at all for the next year? What if she’s never ready to speak again? Am I really accepting that? Part of me says yes, because I’m the one who fucked up and that could be the punishment for doing so. Part of me, though… part of me feels like it’s giving up instead of giving her the space she asked for.
I don’t know what the fuck to do.