I didn’t call her the other night, but I emailed her earlier this evening. I made it clear that I would like to try and rebuild a relationship with her, even if that relationship was just a friendship. I didn’t expect a response, but I received one. We will be divorced next July, and she doubts that we will ever be friends again. She doesn’t want me to hurt, but she also doesn’t want to give me any false hope. So there won’t be any more of that.
My first instinct is to shut down emotionally. To shrug, take it on chin, and go numb. It would be so easy, so less complicated. That doesn’t fix the root of the problem, though, the root which is me. A lifetime of shutting down and not processing emotions has made me a terrible romantic partner. While I don’t imagine I will look for another partner in the future, fixing myself will allow me to be a better friend and a better person.
Now I’m going to go and probably cry for the rest of the night.